Build Relationships Intentionally

My son, being a good Hoosier, loves basketball. When he made the middle school basketball team, I was often the parent who picked up a lot of the boys from school and drove them home. So, how does a mom intentionally build relationships with a bunch of middle school boys?  

It began when my kiddos were in elementary school. When they got home from school I would ask them how their day was. If they answered with “fine,” “great,” or some other lame answer, I would stop them in their tracks. Then I would make them give me three sentences using five or more words. [Note: I have since realized, “How was your day?” is a weak question! Consider starting with, “Would you be willing to tell me one good thing that happened today at school?” Then ask about an interesting fact they learned, or a funny thing that happened, or when they got embarrassed.] 

I implemented this in the car when I picked up the boys from practice. They would jump in the car and I’d ask, “How was practice?” And, inevitably, someone would say “fine.” Out of the corner of my eye, I’d watch my son panic because he knew what was coming.

My response would sound something like this, “Zack, it’s great that practice was ‘fine’ but in this car that’s not a great response because I REALLY want to know how practice was. Give me three sentences using five or more words about practice.”

Of course, there were a few snickers from the other boys, but Zack answered. What happened almost every single time is that one of those three sentences would cause another boy to chime in. Soon, they would be talking about practice, school, and whatever else came up. No cell phones were out, and no ear buds were in.

After a while, I didn’t even have to prompt them. They’d jump in the car, I’d make eye contact with one of them, and they’d start spilling it. All kinds of stuff. This extended into high school. Can you imagine 15-year-old, 6-foot-plus boys getting in my car and volunteering information?  

That’s what intentionality can create.

Those boys took to calling me Mama Rozzi, asked me for advice and shared some pretty deep stuff. When I no longer drove them to and from practice, if they came over to the house, they’d often stop in the kitchen or walk into my office to share what was going on with them. It was the result of intentional relationship building. Not because we had much in common, but because I made an intentional effort to talk with them. 

Who do you need to be more intentional with to create an environment that spurs communication? 

How can you ask great questions to draw them out? 

How can you create an environment that makes conversation more comfortable?

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