I am Sorry
How often do you hear the phrase, “I’m sorry.” As a coach, I hear it fairly often. Here are a few I have heard (or, cough, cough, said myself) in the last week or so.
I’m sorry … for being late.
I’m sorry … I didn’t prepare for our session.
I’m sorry … he feels this way.
I’m sorry … I really didn’t do what I said I would do.
I’m sorry … if that offends her.
I’m sorry … I don’t think feelings have any place in decision making.
I’m sorry … they have no clue how their decision is impacting my people.
I’m sorry … I’m wasting your time on this.
I’m sorry … I got so emotional.
I’m sorry … I don’t say this enough to you.
Yet, are they really sorry? Am I really sorry?
I’m sorry has almost become a habit or a filler sentence. It makes me wonder what sorry actually means.
The Cambridge Dictionary defines the word sorry as “feeling sadness, sympathy, or disappointment, especially because something unpleasant has happened or been done.”
If we really are feeling sadness, sympathy or disappointment, shouldn’t we just say it? Wouldn’t that bring so much more clarity to our communication and help us move forward?
When our kids were little, we made them practice the art of saying they were sorry AND asking for forgiveness. It sounded something like this, “I am sorry for hitting you with the truck. Will you forgive me for hurting you because I wanted the truck for myself.” LOL. This sounds really intense for kiddos yet what it ultimately helped them do was express what they really wanted or needed.
Can you imagine if we brought that phrasing to the workforce?
I’m sorry for being late. Will you forgive me for wasting your time as you waited for me to arrive because I was being selfish and tried to get one more thing done?
I’m sorry for not being prepared for our meeting. Will you forgive me for the lower productivity we will have together because I had believed I had more important things to do than prepare.
In many cases, I even think we could eliminate “I’m sorry”. Here are a few alternatives.
Find a way to say 'thank you': "Thank you for sharing your opinion with me. It helps me understand what you are thinking and feeling regarding this issue."
Respond confidently to perceived failure and commit to correcting it: “I hear your disappointment in not meeting the deadline. What we will do next is XYZ.”
Talk about what you'd like to see happen as a resolution: “I desire for her to understand my perspective and not be offended by it. I believe we can work toward a compromise.”
Don't apologize for having an opinion. Simply state it and be open to theirs: “My opinion on this is … . What is yours?“
Show appreciation for what they did. “I appreciate your patience and willingness to allow me to express myself and shed a few tears over this matter.”
Express self-awareness and ask for help. “I realize it motivates you when I encourage you. I am working on doing this more. If you need motivation or encouragement about something, please tell me.”