What Do You Say To Yourself?

About once a year, I look up an article1 from The Atlantic called “The Confidence Gap.” This article explains the evidence which reveals that women are less self-assured than men. Women may have the same education and experience as men, yet doubt their performance, ask for less money in salary negotiations, and only seek jobs where they meet 100% of the qualifications.

Here’s my favorite example …

“In Cornell’s math Ph.D. program, [Cornell psychologist, David Dunning] observed, there’s a particular course during which the going inevitably gets tough. Dunning has noticed that male students typically recognize the hurdle for what it is, and respond to their lower grades by saying, ‘Wow, this is a tough class.’ That’s what’s known as external attribution, and in a situation like this, it’s usually a healthy sign of resilience. Women tend to respond differently. When the course gets hard, Dunning told us, their reaction is more likely to be ‘You see, I knew I wasn’t good enough.’ That’s internal attribution, and it can be debilitating.”

Really? These women are in a Ph.D. math program at an Ivy League university and are suggesting they aren’t good enough!!

What is one to do about this lack of confidence?

It starts with your inner dialogue. What are you saying to yourself? Using the example above, the women are telling themselves they aren’t good enough. Is that statement true? NO!

Here is a quick exercise you can do.

• Ask yourself these three questions and record the answers:

  • When you do something well, what do you say to yourself?

  • When you don’t do something well, what do you say to yourself?

  • If it were your best friend in the same situations, would you say these same things to them?

How kindly are you speaking to yourself? If you are speaking mostly negative words, how do you think your confidence will be? I’m not suggesting you artificially pump yourself up, but rather, be realistic about it. Speaking kindly to yourself means being realistic about what you are good at and not so good at and being good with it.

Practice speaking kindly to yourself and you might be surprised at how your confidence rises.

1 Kay, Katty and Claire Shipman. “The Confidence Gap.” The Atlantic, Atlantic Media Company, 26 Aug. 2015, www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/05/the-confidence-gap/359815/.

Susan Rozzi is the president of Rozzi and Associates, a leadership and organizational development company helping good leaders become great! Our programs start with the premise that great leadership skills are a product of time, practice and focused development. Our leadership development, emotional intelligence insight and career management programs can be customized to meet your desired outcomes and needs. Contact Susan at susan@rozziandassociates.com.