Turtling Up
Working with Terry (not her real name) was killing me. She made every collaborative project more difficult and often said things that I felt were demeaning to me. I knew I needed to have a conversation to get things out in the open. Everything in me, knew I should. But I just couldn’t do it. So, I put it off and kept telling myself that I was helping keep the peace for the sake of the team, that I was strong enough to handle it, and that it was really my problem not Terry’s problem.
Although, I was exercising great impulse control, what I was really doing was turtling up; pulling myself into my shell of avoidance to protect myself.
Impulse Control is one of the key skills of emotional intelligence. It is the ability to control an urge, resist temptation, and to delay gratification. It’s the ability to press the “pause button” before speaking or acting. It gives you time to think through your priorities and desired outcomes. There is a spectrum of how we use this skill. On one end, some of us don’t even know there is a “pause button” available and continue to act immediately in all situations. On the other end, some of us have the “pause button” perpetually pressed down and refuse to act, AKA turtling up.
There are a lot of reasons we turtle up and believe it’s the best option. If we say or do something:
it would be awkward and make both of us uncomfortable
it might make us look stupid, defensive, or childish
it might require us to actually do something about it
it opens us up for feedback, criticism or failure
we risk upsetting the status quo, the team, or another person
it might not produce the outcome we want
All of these reasons are valid. The question is, is it the best response for the situation and the desired outcome? I see the daily consequences of too much turtling up:
leaders avoid the difficult conversations
coworkers are stuck in perpetual denial, excuses and blame
teams are siloed
If you have been turtling up, it’s never too late to take the first step. Start by focusing on the situation, observable behavior, and results of the behavior. Don’t forget to examine how you are contributing to the situation. Then ask yourself, what are the consequences if I say or do nothing and if I say or do something? Chances are you will know whether to continue turtling up or if it’s time to stick your neck out and take a step in a new direction.